Going out with Style

Something ridiculously embarrassing happened to me today. I was talking to my class about flowers, and we were going over the basic anatomy of a flower. I mentioned the the female part of the flower was called the carpel, which is composed of the stigma, the style, and the ovary. The style is the long, thin part between the stigma and the ovary. I told my students they should put the term "style" into their long-term vocabulary, as it is often used to describe long, thin structures (think "stylus"). I then said I could think of several "styloid processes" in the human body; these were always long(ish), bony projections. As I was talking, I was sort of doodling on the board, and something resembling the doodle to the right came out right as I was talking about "long, bony projections." A few girls in the front row immediately started snickering, and I realized right away that everything was coming out all wrong. So I said, "Okay, that did NOT come out right!" and quickly erased my doodle. But not before a good number of students just about peed themselves laughing. Oh the joys of getting to make a fool out of yourself in front of a huge lecture hall on a daily basis. If I do ever leave this job, I will miss it (and I really mean that).

Speaking of possible job changes, I'm having a really good semester. Go figure, right? Of course, I have said in the past that my relationship with my job is pretty much love/hate, with not much in between. I also think a major reason things seem to be going well for me is that I am only working 50%. I started off the semester extremely far behind, due to my mini health crises that prevented me from being as productive as I had planned on being over the summer. However, now I feel like I am finally starting to get slightly caught up, and I am also reaping the benefits of having five years of experience under my belt. I have been completely redoing my lectures, which I'm semi hating myself and semi loving myself for. As a result of foolishly fixing things that ain't broke, I'm never as prepared as I want to be when I go to class. I like to have all my notes typed out, but I just haven't had time. Fortunately, I'm able to lean heavily on the past experience of having taught most of this material a bajillion times already (okay, so not a bajillion, but 12). With this in mind, the thought of teaching this course a bajillion more times in my future is either horrid or wonderful - I can't decide which. On the one hand, it gets, well, kind of boring. And my department has made it clear to me that I will never ever get a chance to do something like develop a new course. On the other hand, the more I teach the same courses over and over, the easier it gets. In 25 years, this could be a pretty sweet gig. Or not.

While I'm still moving forward with my plan to leave this job sometime within the next couple of years, I haven't closed my mind to a miracle that might make me want to stay. Of course, I think a major reason I have been so much happier about work is precisely because I feel like I'm going to be leaving soon. This allows me to let a lot of things go that I wouldn't normally be able to let go of. I feel like I can smile and make small talk with my TTF colleagues for the next few years and secretly bang my head against the wall when I hear through hallway gossip that the department is making huge changes to the courses that I teach without actually asking me what I think about said changes. But I would not be able to keep quiet if I were in this for the long haul.

I think it's a vicious cycle. The department doesn't invest in its instructors or care about their long-term happiness because this is not a position many people stay in for long. In fact, of the seven instructors in my department, only one has been here longer than I have. Our positions are somewhat of a revolving door. But it doesn't have to be this way; instructor retention in other departments is much higher. Granted, in some cases, it isn't because the instructors are treated better, it's because they have fewer options, especially in some humanities departments. As far as respect for instructors, I'd say my department falls somewhere in the middle, so I realize it could actually be worse. If I do leave, perhaps I'm just reinforcing the notion that instructors are not to be considered long-term, permanent employees; perhaps I'll just be making the department a worse place for the colleagues I leave behind. I'd feel bad about that, because I do have some pretty awesome colleagues who deserve better than they get.

Regardless of what the future may hold, I'm in a good place right now mentally. I've had some struggles with ongoing pain in my hip, DVT that doesn't seem to be getting any better, and a couple of medium-level stressors centered around various other aspects of my life. Oddly enough, these things, combined with the many philosophical thoughts that seem to be constantly running through my head as I approach my 40th birthday, seem to be making me happier. I can't even begin to understand why, but fortunately this is something that falls outside the realm of science. :)

A Story of Stuff

(Not to be confused with the real Story of Stuff)

One of the coolest things about my job is that I know a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff. Granted... I know a lot of trivial stuff, but I also know a lot of stuff about (what I like to think is) relevant stuff. I enjoy knowing so much stuff - both the trivial and the relevant. And I'm not bragging; I certainly didn't know all this stuff when I started this job. It is staying on top of my job and trying to answer students' questions and trying to learn enough in anticipation of students' questions that has forced me to stay on top of so much stuff. As an instructor who teaches a variety of courses, I know a lot of stuff about a lot of different stuff (breadth) compared to even TTF, who know TONS (shit tons) of stuff about a few things (depth). In a typical day, I spend an hour or more reading and/or watching videos, trying to come up with material for an interesting and current lecture or trying to come up with a good answer to a student's good question. For someone like me, who has always been way more "book smart" than hands-on savvy, this is a match made in heaven. I basically get paid to learn and know stuff!

Unfortunately, as I attempt to transition out of a career in academia, I realize none of this matters. There is no place on a CV or job application or even an application for an academic program where you can put "I know a ton of stuff." Maybe that's because it doesn't matter, but I like to think it does. I'd like to HOPE that it does, anyway. For example, I've never actually read an EKG as part of my job description, but I understand the cardiac cycle and know what parts of the cycle the waves in an EKG represent, which I have to believe would make it easier for me to learn to interpret an abnormal EKG. I understand how cells divide and the changes that occur on a cellular level that turn normal cells into cancerous, rogue cells, which I believe would make it easier for me to understand exactly how cancer treatments work. I know all the major muscles and blood vessels of the body, I know how kidneys work, I know how a lot of poisons and herbicides and pesticides work, I know what many anemias and leukemias look like through the microscope, I know why once you have malaria you almost never get rid of it, I know why sometimes it's a good thing to not wash your hands so much and even eat poop. I know a lot of stuff other people don't know - not because I'm brilliant, but because this is an unwritten job requirement, if I want to do a good job at my job. I have to know everything in the textbooks I use for my classes and then some.

I should back up.

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm certain that I cannot continue this job for much longer, despite the really great aspects of it. At the risk of coming across as shallow and materialistic, I will say that this decision is driven in large part by money, and my desire to have a career that can comfortably support my family in the upper middle class lifestyle to which we have become accustomed (and which, I should add, is very necessary in the United States, which IMHO is not kind to poor people). I've thus decided to return to the path that got me into the sciences in the first place: health care.

Now, I know, the health care system in the U.S. is pretty much messed up; this seems to be something most people agree on, whether they side with Obama or the Tea Party. In fact, I recently had an informal job interview of sorts with the owner of a very successful physical therapy clinic in town, who asked me why on earth I was interested in working in this "messed up system" when I already had a "good" job. In fact, he was currently getting a doctorate of physical therapy with the goal of someday teaching at the university. I assured him that I understood the shortcomings of the American health care system, but then added that the American university system wasn't exactly awesome either. He about fainted when I informed him of the reality of university faculty salaries.

When I compare my current position to jobs in health care that require approximately the same amount of education (or less) than I have, it is a no-brainer for me. According to Bureau of Labor Statistics, the median annual salaries of selected health care professionals (with required levels of education) are as follows:

Associate's Degree:
Physical Therapy Assistants: $53,360

Bachelor's Degree:
Registered Nurses: $65,470

Master's Degree:
Physician Assistants: $90,930
Nurse Practitioners: $95,070

Master's or Doctorate Degree:
Physical Therapists: $79,860

In the interest of full disclosure, I feel like I should discuss a few things. The BLS does list the median salary of "Post Secondary Teachers" as $68,970/year, close to the salary of an RN, but that does not distinguish between NTTF and TTF. I'm 99% certain that even if I worked for 25 more years in my current job, I would never make $68,000+/year, even with inflation. As I've mentioned before, I currently make $38,500/year on a 9-month contract. As some people love to point out, if I worked 12 months out the year, that would translate into about $51,300/year (still less than many PTAs make, and that is an AS-level job!). Besides, extending my 9-month salary to 12 months is not actually a possibility for me, even if I did teach during the summer. Summer wages are calculated differently, and... it's complicated. Basically my maximum earning potential right now is somewhere around $40-$45K/year, and that is unlikely to change drastically, ever.

When I tell people I'm considering leaving my job, they often act as if I'm crazy and as if I don't know how good I have it and as if a spoiled rotten academic like me has no idea what "hard work" is and could never make it "in the real world" and yada yada yada. But believe me, I've definitely considered everything, including the "hard work" and "real world" factors, as well as the cost of after school care and summer care, which are necessary for most standard jobs. My husband has a "standard job," so I do have knowledge of the "real world." Plus, shockingly, academic knowledge does not prevent having practical, financial savvy as well. And the reality is that there is a really big difference between $38,000/year and, say, $75,000/year (a typical starting salary for PAs in my region), even when you add in things like after school care and working 12 months out of the year. (And by the way, I work a lot during the summer, despite the fact that I'm not paid for it. I actually enjoy working!)

It's not as if I feel my decisions need justification to anyone except myself and my immediate family; nonetheless, I think this is a topic that interests a lot of people. Some of this interest stems from the intrigue of having two or three months off per year, something that many people claim they would happily surrender two or three months of their salary for. The other part comes from not understanding the realities of being university faculty. (And if, in reading this, you become inspired to seek out a job in academia, then kudos to you. :))

I know that academics are notorious for having "useless knowledge," but I really hope that my knowledge is not useless, and that the past seven or so years of my life haven't been a complete waste of time. Considering that many of the courses I teach or have taught in the past are actually courses that are pre-requisites for many of the programs I'm interested in, I am hopeful. I hope the fact that I know lots of stuff about lots of stuff will help me transition into a career where I can actually make a decent salary, enough to keep my family off of public assistance and enough to keep putting money into my kids' college funds.

Regardless, at least I have a Plan B, which is staying where I am. And I have to admit that's not the worst Plan B a person could have. :)

Two Bottles of Wine

It has been over a month since I last updated, and I have a couple of different excuses for this. The first is that I started this blog to wean myself off of my other blog, and unfortunately, I still have plenty of material for that blog, which I had not anticipated.

The other reason is that when I decided to start this blog, I really thought that it might help me sort out my feelings with respect to my job, and help me decide on a path for my future. As I once wrote in a research paper, my analyses would either "make the obvious obvious," "make the obvious dubious," or "make the hidden obvious" (Source: Michael Patton, Qualitative Evaluation and Research Methods, 1990). I am not exactly sure which of these occurred while writing the few entries that I've written here, but whatever the case may be, I quickly came to a decision, and that decision is that I am not going to continue this job for much longer, which makes blogging sort of, I don't know, anti-climactic? Not that any of you were dying in suspense, lol, but still. So now it's not really a question of if I am going to leave this job; it is a question of when and how. And... what I will do with myself afterward.

I occasionally get cold feet about this decision, but I know it's the right one. In a way, I feel like it has been obvious for so long that there is no way I can do this job for the rest of my working life. On the other hand, I fear change, and as I've noted before, there are many positive aspects to my job that make it hard to leave. If I got just a little more (okay, a lot more) respect within my department and I made just a little more money (or knew there was at least a chance of me ever making more money without resorting to scamming), I could see myself languishing here forever, just because change is too difficult for me.

So I am now in the process of making some big decisions as to what the landscape of my Post University Life will look like, while at the same time trying to stay motivated enough to continue to do my job well. Admittedly, knowing that I'll likely be leaving within the next few years takes some pressure off me, but I know I owe it to my students to do a good job, and I also have a reasonable amount of personal pride. It is a challenge to try to find a balance between not spending ten zillion hours on a course I might never teach again, but spending enough time on it to make it worth the $1,000+ it costs to take it.

As for the title of this entry, the university sent us a message two days ago telling us that we should log on to the portal and review our pay advice, as it was the first payroll for the Academic Year 2014/15. I knew I had actually gotten one of the highest raises possible - around 3%. (Meanwhile the cost of a parking permit went up over 3%.) It turns out that this 3% raise translated into a $26/month increase in my take home pay. Awesome! But, as one of my colleagues told me, "Hey, that's two bottles of wine!" So as I sit in my office trying to work, I find myself humming, Two bottles of wine on the wall, two bottles of wine! Take one down and pass it around, one bottle of wine on the wall... Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself.