On Tuesday, I got into work late because I spent the morning driving through the snow and going on various wild goose chases at the local community college. (See my previous post.) I almost couldn't find a parking spot at the university and had decided that if I couldn't find a spot in the parking garage, it was going to be a work-from-home day. Between the icy sidewalks and my hip pain, I wasn't up for a long trek. Fortunately I found a spot on the roof of the parking garage.
When I got into my office, my Chair almost immediately stopped by and said "Hi Waning," with a huge smile on his face, so I knew something was up.
...
Let me backtrack.
In August, I mentioned that I was dreading this year like no other. Some of that has to do with a change in Chair and the slow decline of instructor status since that change. But most of it had to do with the fact that I had a rough semester last spring and was feeling very bitter throughout the summer. Most of the trauma centered around a course that I was not planning to teach, but then ended up teaching somewhat last minute. It is a course that I've taught before, but had decided not to offer because I noticed that the enrollment was declining and I wanted the chance to try to develop an online course and teach that instead. The Chair had approved this, the schedule was set, and students had already started enrolling, when apparently the Chair was informed that another department, unbeknownst to us, had made my course a required course for their program and demanded to have it put back into the course lineup. After much ado and reshuffling of schedules, I ended up swapping courses with another instructor so that I could teach this course, because at the time I was actually the only person who taught this course (which is good for job security, I guess).
Unfortunately, this didn't turn out well. For one, I was already trying to develop a new, online course (which, by the way, is an assload of f-ing work), and I basically had to redevelop this course as well - to the extent that it was practically as much work as a new course prep. This meant I essentially had two new course preps in one semester. I usually teach this course in an intense, week-long format; I taught it this way for the first time right before my son was born, so I could squish my fall teaching load into the summer and pre-term session in exchange for the fall off. Even 33 weeks pregnant, it went so well that I've never taught it in semester-long format since then. (Then again, my son was born six weeks early right after I finished teaching it, so maybe it wasn't the best idea, but that's a different story.) When I taught it in this accelerated format, the students were very motivated and focused, and the class was usually on the small side - never more than 40 people. I was also able to give the class my complete attention, whereas when I taught it during the semester, it tended to get somewhat lost in the shuffle.
So last semester, I was faced with teaching this course in semester-long format for the first time in three years, to 120 students who were pissed they had to take it. Since I had never taught this class with more than 60, and in more recent years not usually more than 20-30, I had to redo pretty much everything - mostly based on the fact that there was no way I could do that much grading (keeping in mind that this was just one of three courses I was teaching). I did the best that I could, but in the end that wasn't enough. I don't have the energy to go into the details, but I definitely finished the semester feeling extremely burned out and frustrated by a number of the students, by the fact that I had to teach more students in one class than many instructors teach in an entire semester or even year, by sooooo many things. And then, our teaching evaluations were posted and I pretty much lost it. As people later pointed out to me, they weren't actually THAT BAD; however, they were bad for me. In fact, I've only gotten worse evaluations for one course, ever, and that was my first semester at this job.
I could say a lot about teaching evaluations, but I'll just say a few things here. We are rated on various things on a scale from 1-6, and our evaluations are actually posted publicly. I don't think most people would actually stumble across them randomly, but of course all the faculty look at each others' evaluations, even though no one will admit to it openly. Although everyone seems to agree that evaluations don't tell the whole story, in the same way that the average temperature in Santa Barbara, CA, is the same as the average temperature in Chicago, IL, there's no evidence that instructors are really evaluated based on any other criteria. So evaluations matter. While a few really negative comments seem to be pretty much inevitable, it's still hard not to take them personally. And apparently this never gets better; I've had many conversations with people with 30 years of stellar evaluations who still get really upset over a few bad comments here and there. Probably the hardest part of it was that I usually get a few 1's here and there - again, pretty much inevitable - but this was the first time I've gotten so many 1's. Something a colleague once said to me pretty much sums up how I feel about 1's. He said, "I'm not saying I'm the greatest teacher ever, but I know I'm not a 1. If I get 1's, it's personal."
...
Anyway. I met with my Chair over the summer and told him I didn't want to teach the course anymore. Actually, I didn't go in to tell him that I didn't want to teach the course; I really went in to see if he could provide some guidance/leadership - like... you know how in some places the more experienced people mentor the less experienced people? Just a thought. (Note the sarcasm.) However, he just immediately volunteered that I didn't have to teach the course if I didn't want to, and that was that. Like... oh, your hip is hurting? Let's cut it off! In the end, I agreed I would teach the course in week-long format at the beginning of the fall term, but not in the spring. And then I ended up having to drop the fall course.
Enter: Adjunct to the rescue!
So ever since my fallout last spring, this course has been taught by an adjunct, and seems to have fallen into the category of "class that will always be taught by an adjunct" - at least in the mind of the Chair. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your perspective, many adjuncts eventually realize that they are being exploited, and leave. Which is what happened with this adjunct. After all, it is not difficult to find a job that pays more than $6,000/semester, which is about what this adjunct was making teaching 150 students in my former course + two labs. Since this adjunct had said he would teach the course in the spring as well, it leaves us in somewhat of a bind. And it puts me back into the same situation I was in a year ago. And it is the reason that on Tuesday, my Chair acknowledged my existence, and came into my office and said hi to me for the first time ever. Because now we're back to me being the only one who teaches this course. Unless, of course, we can find another adjunct, which is exactly what my Chair agreed to try to do. So I'm keeping my fingers and toes and eyes and heart and every other body part that can cross, crossed. There must be another sucker out there who can save me.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Turn and Face the Strange
All these years, I thought that David Bowie was singing "Turn and face the change" in his song "Changes," but I just Googled the lyrics, and it turns out he is actually singing "Turn and face the strange." I guess that is just as fitting.
Speaking of changes, I'm not a big fan. I complain about my students who can't stand me, yet sign up for my course second semester just because they can't stand the thought of change, but the reality is that that's exactly the way I am. I'd rather stick with a professor I know I don't like than venture into the unknown. Then again, I do not feel like I ever loathed a professor as much as some of my students apparently loathe me. I guess that just goes to show you that some people are even more change averse than I am.
I was re-reading some of my old journal entries, and three years ago, right after my son was born, I was writing about how excited I was at the prospect of applying to PA school. In fact, my colleague and I enrolled in an online abnormal psychology class at the community college together in the spring of 2012. That (former) colleague is now finishing his third year of PA school, while I'm... still here. So much for change.
I can come up with a few explanations ( = excuses, to be completely honest) for why I seem to have a hard time changing. Perhaps one of them is that it doesn't take a lot to make me happy. I've never been a super ambitious type. Now, just so I don't give the completely wrong impression, I am a fairly competitive, Type A person. I've always gotten good grades and the youthful me excelled in a number of different sports. But I never pushed myself quite hard enough to be as good as I could possibly be. And I'm okay with that. In my adult life, I'm just happy that I have a husband and kids and a house and a car and a decent job. I used to joke that my greatest ambitions in life were to own a house with two bathrooms and a car with air conditioning. I have both of those things now, so what more is there to want?
As I look back upon my past history of Not Changing, I'm finding it difficult to take the first step toward extracting myself from my current job and moving forward toward PA school again. Because, as I've mentioned, there are a lot of good things about my job, and not only that, I am good at my job. The idea of leaving a good job that I'm good at for something that could possibly suck for at least a few years, and that I might not even be good at, is daunting. Or maybe I'm just too lazy to do what I need to do to make it happen.
Anyway. I turned 40 on Sunday, and as a midlife gift to myself, I decided to take a baby step toward making a change. Today I drove down to the community college and enrolled in all the courses necessary for me to become an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician). I had tried to enroll online, but apparently these courses require instructor permission, and of course the instructor was simply listed as "TBA," and I tried calling various numbers, but not surprisingly, there is no single contact person for this program. I figured I might as well just go down to the campus in person and try to hunt someone down who could help me. I eventually succeeded, after multiple runarounds - though I have to say that everyone was very friendly and helpful, which has made me vow to be more friendly and helpful to the annoying people who pop into my office with extremely random questions.
When I finally got face-to-face with literally The Only Woman On Campus Who Could Help Me, the first thing she asked me was whether I had the prerequisites. Prerequisites? I asked what they were. She said there was an exam you had to take showing you were proficient in English and basic algebra. I said I hadn't taken the exam but that I did have a master's degree in biology. She asked if I had a transcript with me and I was like, "Uh... no." Fortunately, at that point, she looked at me oddly and said, "If you have a master's in biology, why on earth do you want to be an EMT?! You know you aren't going to make any money." I then explained to her that I knew that EMTs barely made any money (which is actually sort of frightening - I'd like to think that the person who stands between me and death is making more than $10/hour), and that I didn't really want to be an EMT. However, I was applying to PA school, and several people had recommended EMT certification to me. One of the programs I'm interested in requires 2,000 hours of paid medical experience, and one of the people I spoke to who is currently in that program suggested the EMT route to me. The other program I'm interested in does not require medical experience but is much harder to get into (and a lot of people do have medical experience despite the fact that it's not required). My PA actually suggested taking an EMT class just because she thought it would help once in PA school. She said the academics weren't difficult for her, but that the hands on stuff was more of a challenge.
By the end of the conversation, I had the woman convinced to grant me permission to enroll without taking the exam or producing transcripts. :) She added that it was too bad I couldn't take the Monday/Wednesday/Friday classes because that was the instructor she wanted me to have. She explained, "Most people find her really hard, but I think she's just really thorough." She then added that she often had to cancel the weekend classes (the ones I signed up for) because there weren't enough people, so I should have a Plan B. I told her that I'm actually a little worried about how my semester is going to unravel with four classes to teach and 12 credits to complete, so it won't be the end of the world if I have to put this off until the summer.
But for the time being, I'll just be proud of myself for making some baby steps toward change. I mean, who knows. Maybe I will HATE everything about this and decide not pursue PA school after all. But, it is a relatively minor financial investment, and I have to figure that it can't hurt. It is time for me to at least start pushing my comfort zone outward to see what sort of life might exist for me outside of the bubble of academia I've lingering within for the past 39 years. I think the 40th year is a good time to try something new.
Speaking of changes, I'm not a big fan. I complain about my students who can't stand me, yet sign up for my course second semester just because they can't stand the thought of change, but the reality is that that's exactly the way I am. I'd rather stick with a professor I know I don't like than venture into the unknown. Then again, I do not feel like I ever loathed a professor as much as some of my students apparently loathe me. I guess that just goes to show you that some people are even more change averse than I am.
I was re-reading some of my old journal entries, and three years ago, right after my son was born, I was writing about how excited I was at the prospect of applying to PA school. In fact, my colleague and I enrolled in an online abnormal psychology class at the community college together in the spring of 2012. That (former) colleague is now finishing his third year of PA school, while I'm... still here. So much for change.
I can come up with a few explanations ( = excuses, to be completely honest) for why I seem to have a hard time changing. Perhaps one of them is that it doesn't take a lot to make me happy. I've never been a super ambitious type. Now, just so I don't give the completely wrong impression, I am a fairly competitive, Type A person. I've always gotten good grades and the youthful me excelled in a number of different sports. But I never pushed myself quite hard enough to be as good as I could possibly be. And I'm okay with that. In my adult life, I'm just happy that I have a husband and kids and a house and a car and a decent job. I used to joke that my greatest ambitions in life were to own a house with two bathrooms and a car with air conditioning. I have both of those things now, so what more is there to want?
As I look back upon my past history of Not Changing, I'm finding it difficult to take the first step toward extracting myself from my current job and moving forward toward PA school again. Because, as I've mentioned, there are a lot of good things about my job, and not only that, I am good at my job. The idea of leaving a good job that I'm good at for something that could possibly suck for at least a few years, and that I might not even be good at, is daunting. Or maybe I'm just too lazy to do what I need to do to make it happen.
Anyway. I turned 40 on Sunday, and as a midlife gift to myself, I decided to take a baby step toward making a change. Today I drove down to the community college and enrolled in all the courses necessary for me to become an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician). I had tried to enroll online, but apparently these courses require instructor permission, and of course the instructor was simply listed as "TBA," and I tried calling various numbers, but not surprisingly, there is no single contact person for this program. I figured I might as well just go down to the campus in person and try to hunt someone down who could help me. I eventually succeeded, after multiple runarounds - though I have to say that everyone was very friendly and helpful, which has made me vow to be more friendly and helpful to the annoying people who pop into my office with extremely random questions.
When I finally got face-to-face with literally The Only Woman On Campus Who Could Help Me, the first thing she asked me was whether I had the prerequisites. Prerequisites? I asked what they were. She said there was an exam you had to take showing you were proficient in English and basic algebra. I said I hadn't taken the exam but that I did have a master's degree in biology. She asked if I had a transcript with me and I was like, "Uh... no." Fortunately, at that point, she looked at me oddly and said, "If you have a master's in biology, why on earth do you want to be an EMT?! You know you aren't going to make any money." I then explained to her that I knew that EMTs barely made any money (which is actually sort of frightening - I'd like to think that the person who stands between me and death is making more than $10/hour), and that I didn't really want to be an EMT. However, I was applying to PA school, and several people had recommended EMT certification to me. One of the programs I'm interested in requires 2,000 hours of paid medical experience, and one of the people I spoke to who is currently in that program suggested the EMT route to me. The other program I'm interested in does not require medical experience but is much harder to get into (and a lot of people do have medical experience despite the fact that it's not required). My PA actually suggested taking an EMT class just because she thought it would help once in PA school. She said the academics weren't difficult for her, but that the hands on stuff was more of a challenge.
By the end of the conversation, I had the woman convinced to grant me permission to enroll without taking the exam or producing transcripts. :) She added that it was too bad I couldn't take the Monday/Wednesday/Friday classes because that was the instructor she wanted me to have. She explained, "Most people find her really hard, but I think she's just really thorough." She then added that she often had to cancel the weekend classes (the ones I signed up for) because there weren't enough people, so I should have a Plan B. I told her that I'm actually a little worried about how my semester is going to unravel with four classes to teach and 12 credits to complete, so it won't be the end of the world if I have to put this off until the summer.
But for the time being, I'll just be proud of myself for making some baby steps toward change. I mean, who knows. Maybe I will HATE everything about this and decide not pursue PA school after all. But, it is a relatively minor financial investment, and I have to figure that it can't hurt. It is time for me to at least start pushing my comfort zone outward to see what sort of life might exist for me outside of the bubble of academia I've lingering within for the past 39 years. I think the 40th year is a good time to try something new.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
We've gotta get out of this place...
... or at least I've gotta get out of this place...
... if it's the last thing I ever do.
I can't figure myself out. On the one hand, I'm often an extremely assertive person who has a hard time keeping her mouth shut. On the other hand, sometimes I'm not. Unfortunately, I tend to make a lot of noise about things that don't help me and just get me in trouble, while I tend to keep quiet about more meaningful things. For example, I have no trouble complaining about the fact that our department excludes instructors from important meetings (even when they pertain to courses taught solely by instructors) or that when it comes to things such as hiring decisions and meetings with outside reviewers, we actually get less input than students do, and various other things that basically just make the Chair dislike me. However, despite my occasional complaints, I never ask for anything. I have never tried to negotiate a higher salary for myself, I have never asked for extra money for doing "extra" things, I have never asked for an offload in exchange for doing X, Y, or Z, and yada yada yada. Part of the reason I've never done these things is because I didn't know these are things people actually do; however, after five years at the university, I'm perhaps becoming a little less naive. I've always rationalized the fact that I don't do any of these things by telling myself that at the end of the day, you have to be able to live with yourself. There's some truth in that, I guess, and the stress that things like this would cause me would probably outweigh the $500 or so that might come from them.
But the reality is that I don't do these things because I'm just too scared. I'm scared of the physical act of actually doing these things (which makes no sense considering I don't have a problem voicing my opinion) and even more, I'm scared of what will happen if I don't get what I am asking for. I'm scared of pissing my Chair off and coming across as too needy and getting even deeper on the Chair's shit list than I already am, and I'm also scared that I will be so bitter that I won't be able to function, and I will do something irrational like quit before it makes sense for me to quit.
Here is a specific example. I am in my sixth year right now, which means that I am eligible for a promotion from "instructor" to "senior instructor." In fact, I was eligible to become a senior instructor this academic year, which obviously did not happen. This is the only promotion that NTTF can ever receive, and it basically results in a minor change in title and a small pay raise ($3,000/year). The process of being nominated for senior instructor starts with department Chairs, and is almost always approved with the support of a Chair. It basically requires a letter of support and teaching evaluations from the past five years (mine are good, and even "really good" considering I teach mostly required courses to massive numbers of students - both factors that tend to make evaluations lower). In other words, it's not a highly selective process like tenure or even promotion from associate to full professor. In the large scheme of things, it is a sort of minor thing and I don't care that much, especially now that I've decided that I'm not going to be a lifelong academic. However, this is something that I feel I deserve, and I cannot help but feel somewhat pissy about the fact that my Chair has not put me up for promotion.
While this promotion has been in the back of my mind for a while, it actually only came to the front of my mind after several other people, including the Chair of the NTTF Committee as well as the former Provost of the school, told me that it was ridiculous that I had not been promoted, and that this was an Epic Fail In Leadership from my Chair. They both pushed me to pursue this "injustice" and promised they would try to do what they could from their end as well. The Chair of the NTTF Committee even told me that I could file a grievance for "back pay" after I was promoted (since in theory I "should have" been promoted starting in August). Again, this fits into the category of Really? PEOPLE DO THIS?! Argh. I hate shit like this. I just want to work hard and do my job well and be rewarded for doing my job well. But what do you do when that doesn't happen?
One of the reasons the Chair of the NTTF Committee was really pushing me to pursue this is because apparently the NTTF Committee pushed really hard to standardize the process of promotion from instructor to senior instructor, as well as standardize the pay raise across departments. So the NTTF Chair felt their efforts were in vain if they were not helping people like me. This reminds me of a situation my sister-in-law ran into as a new faculty member (at a different school). She was hired while pregnant and had a baby in her first semester. Of course, she felt that she could not take any time off, since she was only a few months into her new job; however, she was actually pressured to take maternity leave because her school had only recently granted maternity leave for faculty, and those who had fought so hard for maternity leave really wanted her to take advantage of this new benefit. (By the way, maternity leave is not standard for university faculty; at my school, neither TTF nor NTTF have maternity leave.)
With this in mind, a few days ago, in a rare moment of my Chair being in his office and available and me feeling brave, I went in and simply stated that it had come to my attention that I was eligible for a promotion this year, and that I was hoping he would nominate me. He stared back at me with a look that made me want to shrivel up and die, then said that yes, he was aware, and he intended to nominate me (which honestly means nothing except that he can't say no to my face). I thanked him and left. And that was that. And that's probably as far as it will go, because my Chair has a strong record of not following through with things. No one knows if it is because he just doesn't follow through with things or because he just can't say no - like... maybe he feels I'm really not worthy of senior instructor status but just can't tell me to my face. Whatever. At least I tried.
In the mean time, I'm still making plans to exit gracefully within the next few years, which makes a lot of this drama much easier to stomach. Also, I turn 40 in less than half an hour, and I feel like I don't have time to be angry in my 40s. Whether I exit as an instructor or senior instructor is fairly insignificant in my mind, and considering the stupid financial choices I've made in the past, I'm not going to spend much time crying over a few thousand bucks, even if they were deserved. What's the most important thing to me is that I've gotta (eventually) get out of this place, if it's the last thing I ever do.
... if it's the last thing I ever do.
I can't figure myself out. On the one hand, I'm often an extremely assertive person who has a hard time keeping her mouth shut. On the other hand, sometimes I'm not. Unfortunately, I tend to make a lot of noise about things that don't help me and just get me in trouble, while I tend to keep quiet about more meaningful things. For example, I have no trouble complaining about the fact that our department excludes instructors from important meetings (even when they pertain to courses taught solely by instructors) or that when it comes to things such as hiring decisions and meetings with outside reviewers, we actually get less input than students do, and various other things that basically just make the Chair dislike me. However, despite my occasional complaints, I never ask for anything. I have never tried to negotiate a higher salary for myself, I have never asked for extra money for doing "extra" things, I have never asked for an offload in exchange for doing X, Y, or Z, and yada yada yada. Part of the reason I've never done these things is because I didn't know these are things people actually do; however, after five years at the university, I'm perhaps becoming a little less naive. I've always rationalized the fact that I don't do any of these things by telling myself that at the end of the day, you have to be able to live with yourself. There's some truth in that, I guess, and the stress that things like this would cause me would probably outweigh the $500 or so that might come from them.
But the reality is that I don't do these things because I'm just too scared. I'm scared of the physical act of actually doing these things (which makes no sense considering I don't have a problem voicing my opinion) and even more, I'm scared of what will happen if I don't get what I am asking for. I'm scared of pissing my Chair off and coming across as too needy and getting even deeper on the Chair's shit list than I already am, and I'm also scared that I will be so bitter that I won't be able to function, and I will do something irrational like quit before it makes sense for me to quit.
Here is a specific example. I am in my sixth year right now, which means that I am eligible for a promotion from "instructor" to "senior instructor." In fact, I was eligible to become a senior instructor this academic year, which obviously did not happen. This is the only promotion that NTTF can ever receive, and it basically results in a minor change in title and a small pay raise ($3,000/year). The process of being nominated for senior instructor starts with department Chairs, and is almost always approved with the support of a Chair. It basically requires a letter of support and teaching evaluations from the past five years (mine are good, and even "really good" considering I teach mostly required courses to massive numbers of students - both factors that tend to make evaluations lower). In other words, it's not a highly selective process like tenure or even promotion from associate to full professor. In the large scheme of things, it is a sort of minor thing and I don't care that much, especially now that I've decided that I'm not going to be a lifelong academic. However, this is something that I feel I deserve, and I cannot help but feel somewhat pissy about the fact that my Chair has not put me up for promotion.
While this promotion has been in the back of my mind for a while, it actually only came to the front of my mind after several other people, including the Chair of the NTTF Committee as well as the former Provost of the school, told me that it was ridiculous that I had not been promoted, and that this was an Epic Fail In Leadership from my Chair. They both pushed me to pursue this "injustice" and promised they would try to do what they could from their end as well. The Chair of the NTTF Committee even told me that I could file a grievance for "back pay" after I was promoted (since in theory I "should have" been promoted starting in August). Again, this fits into the category of Really? PEOPLE DO THIS?! Argh. I hate shit like this. I just want to work hard and do my job well and be rewarded for doing my job well. But what do you do when that doesn't happen?
One of the reasons the Chair of the NTTF Committee was really pushing me to pursue this is because apparently the NTTF Committee pushed really hard to standardize the process of promotion from instructor to senior instructor, as well as standardize the pay raise across departments. So the NTTF Chair felt their efforts were in vain if they were not helping people like me. This reminds me of a situation my sister-in-law ran into as a new faculty member (at a different school). She was hired while pregnant and had a baby in her first semester. Of course, she felt that she could not take any time off, since she was only a few months into her new job; however, she was actually pressured to take maternity leave because her school had only recently granted maternity leave for faculty, and those who had fought so hard for maternity leave really wanted her to take advantage of this new benefit. (By the way, maternity leave is not standard for university faculty; at my school, neither TTF nor NTTF have maternity leave.)
With this in mind, a few days ago, in a rare moment of my Chair being in his office and available and me feeling brave, I went in and simply stated that it had come to my attention that I was eligible for a promotion this year, and that I was hoping he would nominate me. He stared back at me with a look that made me want to shrivel up and die, then said that yes, he was aware, and he intended to nominate me (which honestly means nothing except that he can't say no to my face). I thanked him and left. And that was that. And that's probably as far as it will go, because my Chair has a strong record of not following through with things. No one knows if it is because he just doesn't follow through with things or because he just can't say no - like... maybe he feels I'm really not worthy of senior instructor status but just can't tell me to my face. Whatever. At least I tried.
In the mean time, I'm still making plans to exit gracefully within the next few years, which makes a lot of this drama much easier to stomach. Also, I turn 40 in less than half an hour, and I feel like I don't have time to be angry in my 40s. Whether I exit as an instructor or senior instructor is fairly insignificant in my mind, and considering the stupid financial choices I've made in the past, I'm not going to spend much time crying over a few thousand bucks, even if they were deserved. What's the most important thing to me is that I've gotta (eventually) get out of this place, if it's the last thing I ever do.
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