"I'm not dead yet."

(That is from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which is one of the best movies ever, in case you didn't get the reference. :))

Although it may appear that I have abandoned this blog after four posts, that is actually not the case. However, as I explained in my introduction, I started this blog as a continuation of my hip blog, because one hopes that there is finite lifespan for a blog about hip surgery and recovery. Unfortunately, I'm not quite at the end of it yet. In fact, I found out last Friday that I have a massive blood clot in my leg, extending from my proximal femoral vein through my popliteal vein and down into my calf. I was supposed to start teaching yesterday, as I teach a week-long pre-term course that meets from 8-5 for five days. An entire semester's worth of work in five days. Needless to say, this is not happening. Even if I could handle the discomfort of being on my feet this much, which is doubtful between my hip and the swelling in my leg from the blood clot, it would not be a smart decision health-wise. Fortunately my Chair was sympathetic to my doubts and agreed that I should absolutely not teach the course. We actually found a last-minute replacement, an adjunct, who was willing to step in for me. I met with him on Monday and gave him all of my course material, and I mean all of it. I'd normally feel fairly possessive about handing over all my stuff just like that, but I'm extremely grateful for what he is doing. I did have the option of canceling the class, but that can really screw students over, and contrary to what students think, I do not like to screw them over.

After the relief of not having to teach my week-long course, I was feeling pretty good about the upcoming semester. Unfortunately, the anticoagulant I am on to treat my clotting caused some massive bleeding, which gave / is giving me quite the scare. (You can read about it on my other blog if you want the TMI lowdown on all of this.) While my physical state is somewhat questionable, my mental state is even worse. And I cannot afford to start off this year in a bad mental state. I had a very difficult semester last spring, and looking back, a lot of it centered around the pain I was having from my hip that affected me in a very negative way, not to mention the pain medications I had to resort to from time to time that made me crazy. I don't think I even realized at the time just how much my hip pain was affecting me. So I decided to have surgery over the summer and was looking forward to a fresh and pain free start this fall. This is not happening.

After gathering opinions, from medical professionals and loved ones ( = people who actually care if I live to see another day), and extensive consideration of different options, I decided to request a reduced teaching load this semester. This would mean I'm only teaching two sections of one course, and in addition to the week-long course I already gave up, I would give up a second course. Fortunately, my Chair has been extremely supportive of this idea, and we're trying to work out the details even as I write this. This is probably happening. I am trying very hard not to second guess my decision, but it is a fairly big one with some potentially large consequences. The first is that this obviously affects me and my family financially. The second is the possible effect this may have on me professionally. One of my strengths as an instructor (and there are only a few, lol) is that I teach a variety of courses - even more than most instructors. This makes it more difficult to replace me, which is a good thing for me when I make waves in the department and the TTF just want me to Go Away Already. Not that I consider myself a troublemaker, but growing up, my mom taught me to speak my mind when I feel something is unfair, and there are a lot of things I feel are unfair about my job, and I usually let someone know about them. The Chair, while hugely supportive of me in many ways, does NOT deal well with instructors speaking their minds. I think his strategy - whether conscious or subconscious - is to keep instructors happy by being supportive of us in a lot of ways (e.g., buying us new computers, giving us money to pay graders for our huge classes, accommodating requests for reduced teaching loads, etc.), and hoping that is enough to make us not rebel against some of the larger things (e.g., exclusion from all important departmental affairs such as curriculum decisions and hiring, including the hiring of NTTF). Due to various things that have happened over the past few years, I've now worked myself into a corner where the diversity of courses that I teach is no greater than any of the other instructors, which does make my stock go down a little. Not that I think anyone is out to get rid of me, at least not imminently, but in these uncertain times it's a good idea to have as many protective layers as possible in place, and some of mine are wearing away. Generally speaking, it's not a good thing if your job duties can be done by an adjunct; not only are you replaceable, but you are also replaceable for a much lower cost. And trust me, the university cares very much about its bottom line.

Regardless, I think this is the right decision - for myself, my health, and for my family. It is going to change the landscape of my semester dramatically, but hopefully in a good way. If nothing else, it will give me more time to blog. :)